Sven
by TheNewIdea
Summary: The story of Frozen as told through the eyes of Sven the reindeer. Sven gives his thoughts on everything while traveling with his friends to wherever it is that they're going while at the same time going on an adventure of his own. Sarcastic in nature, meant to be read as if Sven were writing it himself. Rated T for language, sarcasm, criticism of Disney and black comedy.
1. Chapter 1

There wasn't much to it really. All it took was a little push, and if there's anything that I've learned about little pushes, it's that they can go a long way.

My name is Sven and I am a reindeer. Now I know what you're probably thinking, "What is so interesting about a reindeer?" The answer to that question is in two parts.

The first part is that I have the uncanny ability to get people into trouble without meaning to; the second part is that I'm smarter that most people realize. When people look at me, they see a dumb animal, in many ways that is true for I have been known to be quite the simpleton, enough to give Goofy a run for his money. But then again, I'm a reindeer so I guess it's a pass.

Now back to this story.

There are two things that I can't stand in this world- musicals and snowmen, ironic since I've been around snow my entire life. When you combine those things together, you get Olaf and a really annoyed reindeer-me.

As soon as Olaf started singing the ground turned from ice to grass in less than three seconds. Thank you Disney, you're a real friend to montages and dream sequences everywhere, now do me a favor and start making sense.

It was almost laughable that Olaf was singing about summer when he was a snowman; he had no consciousness or understanding of what he was. Olaf was a like a fish. Fish, in case you didn't know, don't know that they're in water, their brains can't comprehend such a simple thing that we take for granted. Olaf's "water" was himself, and his enemy the Sun he considered a friend. Olaf considered everyone a friend.

Kristoff was just as dumbfounded as I was.

"Somebody's gotta tell him" he kept saying

I couldn't agree more, but given my biology that was impossible.

Anna huffed, "You wouldn't dare" she replied to Kristoff

Yes he would, he doesn't have to take orders from you, even if you are the princess, that doesn't give you the right to a bossy bitch about everything. That's right I said it, we're going there. Fast.

I had just about enough of this musical and so, more annoyed than anything, I decided to run as fast as I could towards Olaf with full intention of destroying the snowman. It didn't work for Olaf simply broke up, his random body parts moving around in various directions than actually getting destroyed much to my dismay.

If I was going to have to deal with this, there had to be some ground rules. I turned towards Kristoff, giving him the stare that told him of my plight. Kristoff though, didn't recognize the signal. This hurt me a bit, for we had developed a complex system of gestures and stares to communicate. It was as if the introduction of Anna, or perhaps Olaf, had thrown him off balance. Olaf I could understand, for even I was confused by him, but Anna was just an insult.

Kristoff was one of those guys that were never interested in girls; I guess I'm partly to blame for that. I tried to get to him to socialize with some of his own kind but he refused, preferring my company. It was comforting at first knowing that he wanted to be with me, but also worrying for Kristoff distanced himself from his family and almost all human contact, I had become his sole confidant, and that was something that I couldn't do.

What had initially started as a worry became a blessing. Everything just clicked together, Kristoff and I were made for each other, practically grew up together. In the camp up in the ice fields, on the day I was born, I distinctly remember the first person I saw being Kristoff's father, who immediately handed me to Kristoff as a birthday or Christmas present, I can't remember the days being so close together.

Anyway what's important is that Kristoff and I have been together since forever and Olaf and Anna were getting in the way of that.

Anna was dead set on getting to this castle place to find her kinda crazy sister with the scary ice powers. For what reason I have no idea but I can only assume that once they get there they are not going to have a nice cup of coffee over a warm fire and talk about boys of whatever it is that princesses talk about to each other. Pardon me, Anna's sister is the Queen...and yet somehow Anna is the headstrong one? The princess, with no magic powers and an annoying singing voice. Yeah, because that makes perfect sense...Anna shouldn't be Queen at all, no, diplomacy doesn't matter, her good people skills and capability as a leader don't mean shit to anyone anymore because Elsa is older.

This is why I hate monarchies, I say instill a Presidency or at the very least have a constitutional monarchy and give the reindeer population a say in what happens to the reindeer's forest.

But I'm rambling, so I'll get back to the story.

We got to the castle and stared in awe, I pretended to stare in awe. I personally couldn't give a shit about any of this. The only thing that I wanted was a carrot, but its summer/winter and carrots are becoming in short supply due to the change. Freezing the world over is not a good thing for me, mostly because my brain thinks that's it actually winter, which means two things for reindeer. One, the antlers come off and two, mating season. This winter would be my first official time on the scene and I wanted to make a good impression, so I was hyped to say the least when I saw the snow. Then I looked up on top of my head, saw the antlers and then the calendar and realized that it was June. It's going to be a long summer.

Olaf and Anna walked up the stairs while Kristoff and I waited at the bottom. I turned to Kristoff, hoping against hope that he had a carrot handy, he did not. I grunted disappointed, but I would get over it, because what was about to happen next was going to change everything.

An unnecessarily large snow monster appeared some time later. This caused Kristoff to scream like a little girl and it was just enough for me to do what I thought was impossible.

"That's it we're dead" I exclaimed

Kristoff, upon hearing me, stared at me with a confused look on his face

"Don't look at me" I continued, "I'm just as surprised as you are. This technically shouldn't be possible. Now are we going to stand here and get crushed by a giant snow monster or are we going to move our asses and get out here as the reindeer runs?"

We obviously went with the latter.

As you probably already know the monster closed in on us just as we reached the cliff. Anna was dragging behind; Olaf was rolling in a snowball and fell down the cliff. I wasn't concerned about that. I ran as fast as I could towards the princess, scooped her up with my antlers and ran back to Kristoff, who was busy rigging up the lines to repel down.

There was one major problem, Kristoff only had two lines and there were three of us. I knew that Kristoff had to make the logical choice and so voluntarily hooked Anna up to the second line and the Anna up to Kristoff. Once this was done, I gave them a little push...

I was blindsided, the monster having thrown me off the cliff and on what would've been my certain death was actually crashing into several branches of trees that broke my fall on the way down, landing in the soft snow below a hundred feet from the others. I was dizzy, confused and honestly had no idea where I was or what I was doing.

Kristoff and Anna ran over and pulled me, or rather dragged me out of the snow.

"Are you alright Sven?" Anna asked with a concerned tone

I'm perfectly fine thanks for asking

"He's hurt" Kristoff said as he pulled out a carrot, which I didn't even take for the bastard had lied to me when he denied me earlier. And no I am not hurt, I'm perfectly-

"The reindeer's goanna die!" Olaf screamed dramatically

"Will you shut up?" I exclaimed rather annoyed, "its bad enough that I have to listen to these guys go on about me. I don't need anything from you. Leave me alone, stop talking and do whatever it is that you need to do to get out of my fur."

Anna turned towards Kristoff in complete surprise, "Please tell me that you're not the only one hearing this? The reindeer is talking."

Kristoff nodded but said nothing. There was only group of people who could explain it. Unfortunately those people were the equally annoying trolls whose singing ability was ten times worse than everyone else's. Mostly because you can't even understand what they're saying to begin with, and they're control freaks. I honestly could go on all day about the trolls but I'll say you the misery and just cut right to the point...

"Sven's fine" Grand Pabbie, the Troll King said, "He's just going through some changes. That's all, nothing too serious."

"Okay, great, what kind of changes?" Kristoff asked

"The kind of changes that change people" Grand Pabbie continued, being mystical for the sake of the mysticism.

"Well how do you make it stop?" I asked, getting really annoyed with Olaf's constant badgering over me, who still believed that I was dying.

"It only happens when you're afraid or angry" Grand Pabbie answered

"So why I am talking now?" I continued, more confused than before

"Because I'm making you" Grand Pabbie replied, "Watch."

Grand Pabbie closed his eyes

I didn't feel any different. Grand Pabbie motioned for me to speak, I did so. The only sound that came out was that of a reindeer.

"See" Grand Pabbie said in an I-told-you-so fashion, the kind of speaking that agitated me more than usual.

"So what, we just have to keep Sven's emotions in check?" Kristoff asked as I turned around back the way we came, already intent on leaving.

"If you want him to be boring than yes" Grand Pabbie answered, "But don't force him to be something he's not. If it happens, let it happen."

Kristoff left it at that and we were on our way.

Since we were off script, Anna escaping the castle completely unharmed, we were free to do as we pleased. So, screw you Disney.

It was then that Kristoff took his leave of Anna, dropping her off at the city, which was still covered in ice but for some reason she didn't care. The only thing she cared about was getting back to her boyfriend Hans, the guy that she met a day ago and was already in love with him. Because according to Disney that's how relationships work, you want proof? Here it is: Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast (With Gaston), and Mulan (technically) are good examples. Don't believe me? Well that's fine; you're entitled to your own opinion which I find dumb.

Now back to the story.


	2. Chapter 2

Kristoff left without so much as saying a word. I looked at Anna; her face was stricken with shock and guilt, as if she had been betrayed. There was only so much I could say about that. On one hand, Anna shouldn't have been so upset, for she was going to Hans, her dream guy. The _only_ reason that she could've been that broken up is if she really loved Kristoff and that I knew, wasn't happening or going to happen. I know how these Disney things work, love has to be reciprocated in order for it to work. It is never a one way street.

From one look I knew that Anna's future with Hans, if it were to exist, was going to be a bleak and tragic one. I don't know why but something compelled me to do what I did next.

Without so much as thinking I walked over to Anna and snatched her up, setting her on my back and sped away from the gates, catching Kristoff on the way. I hated myself afterwards, I wished that I let it happen, Anna would be out of my fur and I could finally get back to what was important in life. But Anna was here, on my back, and here to stay, much to my dismay.

Sorry about the rhyming, I'll try to keep to a minimum.

Later that night sitting by the fire trying to get some sleep, I was woken up by Kristoff playing his guitar. Most nights it was soothing, a calm reminder of what was, but tonight it was something different. The guitar represented everything that was now evil in the world, it represented all the grief that my annoyances had caused me throughout my life, most of all it represented Anna.

There is a fine line between depression and anguish, I was on the verge of that line and headed in the wrong direction. I was close to losing everything that I had with the use of a guitar. Like I said, we were going off script, Disney and the Frozen Project itself didn't matter anymore, we could do whatever we wanted.

Olaf came back in his usual happy go lucky manner. He was holding a flower as if it were the most important thing in the world to him at the moment; out of spite I ate it.

"Sven" Olaf cried, "What the hell? Why did you eat my flower? It was going to be a gift to Princess Anna."

I ignored him and tried to get back to sleep; Olaf kicked me in the stomach.

"Wouldn't do that if I were you" Kristoff replied, looking up from his guitar, "Kicking a reindeer in the stomach is a bad thing, especially if you want to keep your limbs."

Olaf huffed, not believing him. Olaf you simpleton you, why did you poke me with a stick in the one place that Kristoff told you to leave alone? Out of spite? Whatever your reason, I don't care, but I thank you because it really gave me probable cause.

I did perhaps the two most degrading things that one could ever do to a snowman besides destroying. First I ate the carrot, for I hadn't had one in hours and was starting to get hungry. Next, I stood up on my hind legs and pissed all over the guy. Olaf just stood there taking it, not understanding what was happening to him. Anna meanwhile had her jaw all the way down to the ground. Kristoff was laughing for this wasn't exactly what usually happened when people messed with me, but it was funny enough, devious enough and mad enough to count. Usually when people mess with me, they get flung up into the air by my antlers only to land on the ground in extreme pain, after which I would run them over and stomp them.

When I was done Kristoff began singing his creepy reindeer song, in the presence of Anna, another thing that Kristoff just shit all over in terms of our relationship. That song, creepy as it is, is our song. Meaning that no one else gets to hear it expect me, and no one gets to sing expect Kristoff. But I can't be too mad at Kristoff, for Disney ruined that too, like they did with everything else in my life. Actually now that I think about it, I could be that mad, I was that mad.

"Dude" I said rather annoyed, "What are you doing? You're singing _our_ song with her? Are you insane, have you lost your mind?"

Kristoff shrugged, "Maybe Sven" he answered, "Now calm down please..."

"No I will not calm down" I replied, "You're destroying everything! You're misreading my signals; you lied to me about the carrots. You didn't even thank me for saving your life with the snow monster. I could've died! And now you have the audacity to sing what is supposed to be shared between us with an outsider like her."

"It's not what it-" Kristoff began, but I cut him off before he could finish

"What is it then?" I continued, "Have you forgotten everything? All of our rituals, the gestures and stares, the song, the handshake and the promise that you made me this year...Please tell me that you haven't forgotten that! I can live with everything else but please tell me that you haven't forgotten the one thing that I asked you to do for me."

Kristoff shrugged, he seemed to have no idea as to what I was talking about. To say that I was mad was doing my emotions injustice, in fact there wasn't even a word to describe what I was feeling at the moment, Kristoff had hurt me, cut me right in the heart and it was a wound that would never really heal.

I cried, I don't know for how long, the only thing I know was that afterwards my chest was on fire, I was grunted painfully forcing it out. But there was little that I could do. I threw up breakfast, which was just more carrots, in the snow. All the while trying to process what was happening.

"You lied to me!" I screamed, "You said you would never forget. This year, this year was going to be my first time, you promised that you would take me to the breeding grounds. You remember now? At the beginning of the year you made that promise, you said that you would never forget it. And I know you Kristoff; I never have to remind you of anything. You have a memory like an elephant!"

Kristoff could tell that I was deeply hurt and so stopped playing his music, something that he rudely continued doing while I was ranting; only giving half of his attention to me.

Let me reiterate my pervious statement. There are three things that I hate in this world, musicals, annoying snowmen and Kristoff.

Olaf tried to console me, but I brushed him off.

"You want to know a real song?" I asked to no one in particular, "Here's a real song you bastard!"

Kristoff looked at me as if I were crazy, I turned towards him brushed the ground with my hoof as if I were a bull.

"Play damn it" I screamed, "Play! Your life depends on it."

Kristoff began playing; it was a soft and somber tune. I knew it well. Olaf and Anna also recognized it and joined in Kristoff's playing. I was too upset to notice, I calmed myself down just enough to start singing, something that I hate doing. But I would do anything to make a point, and I wanted this one to stick.

_Roll away your stone_

_ I'll roll away mine_

_ Together we can see what we will find._

_ Don't leave me alone at this time_

_ For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside._

Kristoff and the others began playing a little bit faster, now they knew exactly what I was doing and so complied, but to say that they did it willingly would be lying.

_Cause you told me that I would find a hole_

_ Within the fragile substance of my soul_

_ And I have filled this void with things unreal_

_ And all the while my character it steals._

_ Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?_

_ And yet it dominates the things I see._

Kristoff knew that I was directly speaking to him, and I was, Anna and Olaf also recognized this and backed off for a few moments.

_It seems that all my bridges have been burnt._

_ But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works_

_ It's not the long walk home that will change this heart._

_ But the welcome I receive with this restart._

_ Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?_

_ And yet it dominates the things I see._

_ Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?_

_ And yet it dominates the things I see._

I walked away towards the woods as Kristoff and the others began doing their part of the song. I didn't leave just yet, for I hadn't fully stuck it to Kristoff like I had wanted to.

And the guitar keeps playing and playing and playing...

_Stars!_

_ Hide your fires_

_ These here are my desires_

_ And I won't give them up to you this time around._

_ So, I will found with my stakes stuck in this ground_

_ Marking the territory of this_

_ Newly impassioned soul!_

While I was singing I was also digging a line with my antlers to make it absolutely clear that I was separating myself from Kristoff. The boundaries had been set, the ground rules were getting ready to be applied.

_Hide your fires_

_ These here are my desires_

_ And I won't give them up to you this around._

_ So, I'll be found with my stakes stuck in this ground._

_ Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!_

Here was the sticker, the final message to Kristoff that I wanted to send. I turned back towards the woods again, this time I walked away.

_ And you, you've gone too far this time_

_ You had either reason or rhyme_

_ With which to take this soul_

_ That is so rightfully mine. _

**(Mumford and Sons, Roll Away Your Stone- Sigh No More, 2009)**

When that was done I said nothing, emotionally spent. I walked forward and never looked back.

Olaf came running up behind me, I could hear Kristoff playing the reindeer song on his guitar, he changed the lyrics to fit the situation. I knew that he was trying to buy me off, it wouldn't work. It still didn't change the fact that he broke our traditions, our sacred traditions.

"Where do you think you're going?" Olaf asked curiously

Does it really matter Olaf? And why do you care anyway?

"So now you're not speaking?" Olaf continued, "Not even thirty seconds ago you were singing and now you're silent as a rock."

Terrible metaphor Olaf, although it is true, rocks don't say much of anything.

I nodded as a response and made a motion with my hoof as if to say, _"Didn't you hear what Grand Pabbie said? Or were you too busy carrying on about how I was going to die, because you were doing a lot of screaming buddy."_

Olaf, who didn't understand me in the slightest, only stared at me with the look of a confused kid, the naive look of the unknown that is combined with the lack of understanding and only pretending to understand situations that are way over his head. It was that look.

Olaf shook his head; something in his brain must've clicked. I don't see how, for he was a snowman and thus didn't have a brain. Maybe I'm being a bit too literal here, but Olaf being alive through magic doesn't make a lot of sense, I mean sure Elsa can turn things to snow and ice, but bringing those things to life is a whole new set of powers all together. Unless the power of necromancy or Victor Frankenstein's electricity are somehow incorporated into that, Olaf is not possible and nothing more than a snowman.

"You can't leave Sven. What would we do without you?"

You'll figure something out Olaf. Oh wait, no you won't because you don't have a brain. Kristoff and Anna will figure something out and you can tag along with them as they slowly get annoyed to death. How does that sound?

"We need you" Olaf continued

To pull you guys around everywhere? I don't think so. I am not a pack mule

"Who else is going to be there to tell us that everything's okay?"

Isn't that what you're for Olaf? The comedy relief I am not. I am the animal sidekick who is walking away from his duty because his owner is being a dick. Besides I can't speak anyway, so how could I tell you that everything is going to be okay? If you can answer that question Olaf, I'll take back everything that I said about you. Or maybe just the lacking a brain part, you're still insufferably annoying.

All of this I communicated in one face. My eyes lids were half down, the stereotypical cartoon character expression of disbelief or annoyance. My ears were down against my head, my nostrils were narrowed and my head overall was raised slightly above normal.

"I can see that you're upset" Olaf began nervously, "But let me tell you something okay? Everyone has a larger purpose. We're all capable of being something more. One day you might be chipping away at the ice block and the next you're visiting kings and noblemen."

Next try at getting back on script Olaf, but we abandoned that a lot time ago. Now get to whatever point you're making or shut up and leave me alone.

"Look at me" Olaf continued, "I'm just a snowman. But all of this melts...so will I. I don't have purpose, I'm just the guy with a dream that will never be fulfilled. But you, you've got dreams don't you?"

I didn't respond, but my face did relax some, slowly getting back to normal as I listened to what Olaf was saying.

"Of course you do" Olaf answered for me, "Everyone has dreams and everyone wants to see them through. Whatever your dream is, that's none of my business. You do what you gotta do and if that means going out there and striking it on your own, well I wish you the best. Just know that I'll always be here to pick up the pieces and to tell you that everything's okay."

Olaf then handed me a whistle that was on string and placed it around my neck.

"Whenever you need me, just whistle. Promise me you will?"

I nodded and raised my hoof, for I knew that when a promise is made you have to shake on it to make it official. Olaf took my hoof and walked back towards the others.

There are two things that I can't stand in life- musicals and Kristoff.


	3. Chapter 3

There was only one thing that I could do; I headed north towards the breeding grounds. I knew that it was June, but I personally didn't care. It was a destination and at the moment, it was the only destination.

Making my way through the forest I came across an old wagon that was being pulled by an elderly old man. The wagon seemed quite heavy, for large blocks of ice, a chunk of ore and two mead barrels were inside it. A lantern was hanging on a large hook that was connected to the side of the wagon.

I walked next to the old man, who I immediately recognized but didn't want to. I was standing face to face with Old Man Nicholas, a guy with a large white beard, bifocals and always had on a white shirt with red suspenders and brown pants. He wasn't wearing any shoes.

There was a reason why I didn't want to see Old Man Nicholas, the guy was a crazy nut.

As soon as Old Man Nicholas saw me he started laughing, he showed me his teeth; he was missing several of them, his two front teeth, his right canine and his left molar specifically. I then realized that the kingdom wasn't known for its dental plan, so basically anyone who ate poorly, so everyone had bad teeth. I'll admit, mine weren't prefect, some of them were yellow, but I still had them and I planned on keeping them.

"Well will you look at you?" Old Man Nicholas said, "Why you remind me of one of my reindeer. Yes sir, Prancer, you look just like him."

Oh yeah, Old Man Nicholas believed he was Santa Clause.

"It was five years ago" Old Man Nicholas began, "The last time I saw Prancer. He said that he was going to go and make a new life for himself. You know, start a family and everything."

I wasn't listening, instead I pushed Old Man Nicholas aside, thinking that I could lend the guy a handle and strapped myself up to the wagon and began pulling it with all the strength I had. Old Man Nicholas climbed up on top of the wagon and directed me with a light flick of his whip.

Old Man Nicholas continued with his rather boring and extremely long story about how Prancer met and fell in love with a doe. I then drowned him out, periodically listening in to see if Old Man Nicholas gave me any verbal directions. He did not, he just kept continuing with his story not even realizing that I was listening.

"Last I heard Prancer and his family settled down in this camp up in the ice fields..."

I slowed my walking speed and continued forward

"Worked with some ice cutters, a dangerous business so I'm told. Prancer died in a horrible accident, fell through the ice, before he could surface the hole froze back over. He drowned..."

Great, end of story

"Left behind a mate who had a calf a few days later, a horrible tragedy, being brought into the world without a father and nary a nipple to suck on after that, the mother died almost immediately."

You certainly have a way with stories old man. Now would you mind shutting up please, I've got your wagon to deliver...now where am I going?

I looked up to Nicholas for an answer but he was too busy, lost in his story, to be any kind of help. I had reached a fork in the road, one heading north and one heading south. Guessing by the cargo he was carrying, Nicholas was going south. I begrudgingly headed in this direction.

Meanwhile Old Man Nicholas was still telling his story that apparently didn't have an end.

"Now what was that calf's name? One of the cutters told me, but I can't remember. Sam, Sten, Ren..."

You've got to be kidding me

"Sven. Sven, that's it! The calf was named Sven and you see-"

Like I said, Old Man Nicholas is completely insane. There's no possible way that I could-

"Sven and this little kid, Kris or something like that, they would play in the snow and do all sorts of-"

I drowned him out, for now Old Man Nicholas was rambling on and on about how "Sven" and "Kris" would spend their time together. It was sickening to think of the possibility.

I know where I come from, a long line of reindeer who like me, were companions to the ice cutters in the mountain range. We never lived in one place and settled down; we were the nomads of our time. That's what we were, that's where I come from, not from the North Pole. That's ridiculous.

Old Man Nicholas finally stopped talking. I stopped walking and stepped out of the harness, I was dead beat from hauling the wagon and personally as far as Old Man Nicholas was concerned he could freeze to death.

Then it happened.

The worst thing that could happen to me at this point...Elsa

Her All High and Mighty Majesty was waiting in the bushes as if she were expecting me for some reason. She wasn't looking at me pre say, but rather through me as if she were trying to find my soul, which is very hard to reach I must admit for I guard my heart carefully.

I just stood there and said nothing; Old Man Nicholas didn't even notice her, stepped off of his wagon and got back into his position to pull the wagon the rest of the way. He didn't even thank me for the work, ungrateful bastard.

"What are you doing?" Elsa asked as if I could answer her directly

"I asked you a question!" she said loudly, causing me to shrug in response and gesture northward.

Elsa looked north and then back at me, "Where's that kid of yours? Isn't he with you?"

I assumed she was talking about Kristoff, I personally had no idea how she knew of me or Kristoff, for she had never seen us before. I had seen her only once, when her parents were still on the throne and I was but a little thing. Kristoff's father had gone into town to get me a collar and a harness and it just so happened to be on the same day that Elsa was outside for what would've been the last time in sixteen years or so. I remember how I thought how pretty she was, I thought about Kristoff and thought that maybe I could set them up. Then fate reared it's ugly head and killed the King and Queen.

I don't cling to the past, I am a very future oriented person, but that doesn't mean I don't forget my past either like some people (Elsa). I embrace it, learn from it. Mold myself anew each day, so that I am never the same. It is a philosophy few people live by these days, something that I have tried to instill in Kristoff, for his views were radically different from mine when it came to life and such matters. He believed that the past was something to be cherished yes, but he also believed that nothing was ever going to change and the life he had now, he would die with. Kristoff believed that you choose a life; I believe that you live one.

I still keep that collar and harness, wrapped carefully in leather inside a satchel that Kristoff had gotten me for some occasion. Perhaps my birthday. Can't be sure of that though.

I'm off track again. Now back to the story.

Elsa walked up to me and gently outstretched her hand; I instantly became afraid for I had no intention of being an icicle. So I did the only thing I could do, I flung her up in the air and let her fall.

Elsa landed on hard snow, it looked painful. She turned towards me and put her gloves back on.

"Don't touch me" I said

"I'm not going to hurt you" Elsa replied reassuringly, "I just want to talk."

"About what?" I asked

"About you" Elsa answered

I remember something that the Troll King said to me during one of mine and Kristoff's visits.

"Here's something that Disney won't tell you" he began, simultaneously sticking it to The Man, "There are many different kinds of people in the world with many different ideas as to what is right and what is wrong. The world isn't divided into black and white, good and evil. There is a shade to every color, every good and every evil. When you have both together, you create harmony, for there can never be all good without someone wanting to destroy it, just as there can never be all evil without someone raising up to fight against it."

I realized then that Disney makes one fatal error every single time. One dimensional characters with one defining trait that makes them who they are. If that is true than Elsa's one defining trait that she a whiny bitch, which in all fairness she is. I don't really know what I am. I guess I would be in the same boat as Olaf, the goofball. But this idea is unfair.

Nevertheless Elsa fit the category perfectly. For no reason at all she started whining about how things never went her way and how horrible her life was. Elsa doesn't even know what horrible is.

Horrible is been orphaned at birth. Horrible is cracking ice all day. Horrible is watching your friends die in an avalanche. Horrible is seeing the one person you care about being stolen from you, when that person forgets about the commitments they made and stabs you in the back. That is what horrible is.

Elsa's definition of horrible was having magical ice powers that she didn't control out of laziness and fear. Elsa's definition of horrible claiming to have no friends when she shut herself in her room because of this fear over something that not only was a part of her but something that she didn't have to fear to begin with. Elsa's definition of horrible was not knowing how to be a Queen and blaming problems on other people when the castle had been locked up for almost sixteen years, never letting anyone in, completely avoiding policy and administrative duties and sitting in her room crying all day because she had magic ice powers that by now she could've learned how to control perfectly.

Elsa doesn't know what horrible is. She's a lazy, annoying whiny bitch with nothing better to do than build ice castles instead of figuring out a way to stop all of this mess and make everything normal. She was a terrible Queen plain and simple and if this wasn't a Disney thing I can assure you that Elsa would've already been beheaded for her negligence, Anna would be crowned Queen and the whole kingdom would be on the fast track to become one of the most powerful kingdoms of its time. Instead because apparently there's some lesson to be learned from this, everyone else gets to suffer cold weather, food shortages, sickness and eventual death.

"You know what?" Elsa said suddenly, bringing my attention back, "Maybe I should just sing it."

Please don't let it be-

_The snow glows white on the mountain tonight_

_ Not a footprint to be seen_

_ A kingdom of isolation-_

Stop.

I will not suffer through this. If I have to hear Let It Go one more time I will personally see to it that Elsa is hung off of the roof of her pointy ice castle. I am willing to commit murder to stop this song from playing again, that's how much I hate it.

But Elsa, being Elsa, continued singing.

I drowned her out but this only caused Elsa to sing that much louder. I ran away as fast as I could, for I had had enough of musicals. Old Man Nicholas would be better than this.

"Hey Old Man Nicholas!" I screamed, "Who'd you say my father was?"

He didn't hear me, he was too far away.

I continued forward, anything to get away from torture. If I would've known what was going to happen next I would've turned around and taken my chances with Elsa. Olaf, it seems, hadn't given up on me yet. And just when I thought I couldn't meet a more annoying character than him, I met Jack. And no, not Jack Frost.


End file.
